Merry Christmas!

 Fireside Gord “A Not-So Christmas-Like Tale”… “The situation was grim”…and I knew it as soon as they tracked me down. Mike had already been down to the cabin to assist but he soon retreated to safety. “The toilet is plugged in Marge’s cabin…there’s water on the floor…you better get down there!” says Susanne from comfort of the couch in the lodge, glass of wine in hand. Seems that nothing was going quite right that day, but I bolt for the plunger none the less. As I reach the cabin I note that Marge’s husband Steve is surveying the plumbing under the front of the cabin…”Better get the snake” he chirps. I reach the front door and am immediately greeted in a gravely voice and a wall of 90 degree heat…..Marge likes her cabin hot. “Gordy…the shitter’s plugged”. Is there any way to solve this without going into the bathroom…I frantically go through my options. Nope. Open door, and there it is. It’s not just water on the floor! Yikes. I plunge till I’m blue in the face and am at the verge of pushing the toilet through the floor with each thrust…she’s clogged and clogged good. “What did you do in here Marge?” I ask in a whiney voice hoping for some clue. Marge is indifferent to my plight. Returning with the 100 foot sewer snake I join Steve and we both admire the plumbing, a small band of brothers…we plot our next move. Steve backs away as I loosen the sewer line cap…carefully. Nothing under pressure, now that’s a bonus. The snake, on the other hand is useless. Back to the plunger and one last suicide mission. I feel like I’m in an old movie, rowing the slave ship while a large man beats a drum…I sense some movement as “it” breaks free. I retreat; mission accomplished….or is it? Several hours later and I’m thinking its cocktail hour as I enter the lodge. Seems Susanne is still hosting some kind of party…she swerves towards me “It’s plugged again! Get down there quick!” Well of course it is! Right on! Sewer is my middle name! She seems happy about it too! Old bag! I’m ripe for revenge as I drag myself down the road. I encounter Aaron, Marge’s son making his exit as I arrive. His smirk enrages me. “What the hell’s going on down here?” He escapes. Steve is next, heading down the hill towards the docks…just like a rat jumping ship. I shake my plunger at him. I can feel the heat from the porch of the cabin. Not only is the heat on max, but Marge has the oven on and the door of the cabin wide open…maybe for oxygen? Marge seems startled by my reappearance…no wonder, I feel like cousin Eddy from “A Griswold Family Christmas”…”he was a beastly, bulging man swinging a plunger”. “It’s still plugged Gordy” Marge rasps. “Then why the hell is someone in there right now using it?” I think to myself, or maybe I yell it. I can’t tell anymore. I try not to picture the toilet but fail. “What the f*ck is going on Marge?”…I’ve lost it. I catch myself pointing the barrel of the plunger at Marge…where’s the trigger? The bathroom door opens and Aaron’s girlfriend smiles at me….I hear a toilet flushing. It dawns on me…I’ve been had! Marge comments that she didn’t know I could swear, but she likes it! I am greeted back at the lodge with hysterical laughter. Funny, yes, real funny…ha, ha! I’m sure you are probably wondering… “What is the redeeming quality of that story?” Very little, I’m afraid, and it really didn’t have anything to do with Christmas. Plus the ending is somewhat “crappy”. On a more positive note, you’ll be relieved to know that Steve and Marge are once again booked for this summer, albeit in their usual cabin with the more robust plumbing. I have some very hardy and forgiving guests, that’s for sure! Speaking of which, if you haven’t been totally turned off VBL by this story we would love to see you again this summer! In the meantime have a Merry Christmas and a healthy and wonderful New Year!  

Gord & Susanne